Skip to main content

Overcoming fear


Reid and I just traveled to Los Angeles (if you haven't seen the overload on your social media feeds.) We had such an amazing time. But let me tell you what you didn't see in your feed... fear.

I had so much fear going into this trip. Reid's parents gifted us money for Christmas that was to be used only for a vacation. What an amazing gift, right?! My first reaction was excitement. And then the fear set in. Can we really travel right now? They knew we've been afraid to travel since Reid's cholangitis attacks last year, and after him being listed for transplant. We also haven't exactly had the discretionary funds to travel.  I struggled for the three months leading up to our trip. I was so grateful for this amazing gift, but I was also so fearful. What if Reid gets sick while we're gone? What if he gets sick on the plane ride? What if we get another call for a directed liver donation? What if Reid ends up in the hospital and we have to cancel our trip? What if something happens to one of our family members or friends while we're gone? Seriously. I wish I was exaggerating, but every single one of these things came to mind multiple times in the months leading up to the trip.

My anxiety over the last couple of years has definitely increased. I think even more so the last six months. Which I blame the IVF hormones for, but who knows. When you deal with some of the situations that we have, you learn that anything can happen at any time and it can turn your life upside down. And sometimes that cripples me with fear. But I had to put it aside. I had to calm my anxiety, and push forward. I was determined not to let our current medical situations dictate our entire lives. I know this is temporary, but I have no idea how long it will last.

Am I really going to not travel until we're through all of this? No, we needed the trip.

If you've ever dealt with anxiety and fear (I mean, who hasn't?), then you know it's not so easy to just push aside. I've learned lately the things that work for me... but they don't always work. I'm a logical person, and a planner. So when the anxiety sets in and fear takes over, I have to have a very honest logical conversation with myself and plan out my response.

If Reid does end up sick in Los Angeles, what do we do? So I researched hospitals (and researched them again once we got there and anxiety was keeping me up the first night). I knew where the closest hospitals were, and which ones were better. We also travel with a flash drive with all of Reid's medical records. If he has a cholangitis attack, I need the doctors to trust me when I say what is happening and what medication he needs, and that flash drive is my back up.

If he ended up sick on the plane, I have heavy antibiotics that the doctor prescribed for that situation until we could get him to a hospital. Those antibiotics were in my purse a couple days prior to our trip and I must have double checked that ten times before we boarded.

If we got a call for a liver, which is very unlikely right now, then we'd do everything in our power to get home as quickly as possible.

If Reid ended up in the hospital before we left... we got travel insurance for that reason. And we would get through it just as we had before.  

I'm not kidding... I had each of these conversations with myself.

But it helped. We had such an amazing time, but I will tell you it wasn't without its moments. The first day, as the plane was taking off, my heart started to race and I was sure I was going to throw up (I seriously started looking for puke bags). There's no turning back... is this really the right decision??

Why am I sharing this? So often we see the picture perfect life that people choose to share on social media. But we don't always see what's behind the curtain. We had an amazing trip, but I had to overcome some real fears in order to get there. And I'm proud of myself for that, and so glad I did. We needed this trip, and are so grateful to Reid’s wonderful parents for this amazing gift!

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Reid's health - Hospital stay #2

When I started writing this blog, it was dedicated to one topic – infertility and pregnancy loss. I guess that’s two topics, but very closely related. I did not think the type of miracle I would be impatiently waiting for would change. We now need a miracle for my husband, Reid. A month ago I shared that we were in the hospital and he had cholangitis. At that time, we knew that it meant his Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis (PSC) – an inflammation of the bile ducts in his liver – was progressing. But we weren’t sure by how much. So we had follow up appointments and procedures scheduled with his doctors. Next Tuesday he was set to go have a Spyglass procedure so we could see where he was. He had been feeling significantly better after his last hospital stay, and we thought things were looking much better. Early Wednesday morning he woke me around 3 a.m. with liver pains (yes, unfortunately he actually knows what liver pains feel like). We decided to come into the ER, given his last si...
17 comments
Read more

After the Storm

I’ve stared at a blank page on my screen several times over the last few weeks, trying to find the words. Today I’m committed to sharing, no matter how those words come out. So please bear with me. Over the last few months, I’ve dealt with some serious anxiety. And I’ve avoided sharing. Because I had babies recently. And often the response is, “You’re a new mom, it’s normal to have anxiety.” And that’s true. It is normal to have “new mom” anxiety, and to have a new level of stress that comes with raising tiny humans. However, what I’ve been dealing with is so much more. I wake up in the middle of the night with a pit in my stomach and have to catch my breath. I often think about losing my husband or one of our babies, and I spiral into a pit of anxiety. Every time I walk up and down the stairs with a baby in my arms, I am anxious that they are suddenly going to throw themselves out of my arms and go over the railing. If Reid doesn’t do something for the babies the exact way I wou...
1 comment
Read more

One Month Liver-versary

Today marks one month since Reid was wheeled into the Operating Room for his liver transplant. One month since our lives changed forever. That was the best day, but I’ll be honest – it was also the hardest day of my life. I don’t think we were fully prepared for the emotions that would surround that day. And it’s just now catching up to us that this happened. One month ago he received the ultimate gift. He received the gift of life. The gift of not living with his disease, Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, and all of the symptoms that came with it. The gift of not having to worry every day that cancer was taking over his liver. The gift of looking forward to watching his babies be born, and not having to worry how long he’d be around to raise them. The gift of no longer wondering whether he would ever get the liver transplant he needed. An absolutely priceless gift. I don’t even know that I can properly vocalize the emotions we felt in the 33 hours leading up to him being taken bac...
Post a Comment
Read more