IVF Round 1 - Fail

I’m so f-ing tired of sharing bad news with you all. If this wasn’t my life, I wouldn’t believe the shit storm we’ve been through this week. And I’m so f-ing tired of it. I’m sorry, but today’s post is going to be quite raw. If my grandma wasn't reading, I would write out the real f-bombs. Because that’s how angry I am today.

We just finished the first couple of steps for IVF round #1 (which I thought would be our only round, and still may be). We got through the stimming process where I took nightly hormone injections. We got through the egg retrieval and had four eggs retrieved (low, but I high-fived the doctor because it was more than one). We got through the incubation process of the two embryos that fertilized, and they both made it to freeze at day 6. Both embryos were deemed GOOD quality (on a rating system of poor, fair, or good). We were so excited. I was ignorant enough to think that a good quality embryo couldn’t have chromosome issues. We were planning for a transfer in November/December. We discussed the sexes of the embryos and what we thought they would be. Whether we would transfer one or both of them. And if we had a boy and a girl, which we’d transfer first. But none of that matters anymore.

Yesterday we got the call that our PGS (Preimplantation genetic screening) test results were back in and BOTH of our embryos are abnormal. With PGS testing, I know that it’s possible for embryos to come back abnormal but not list an actual chromosome issue, so the cells may repair themselves as they grow. I pleaded with my doctor to tell me if they had specific issues or if there might be hope. We learned some disturbing news with Reid’s procedure the day before – more on that later – and I told him “I need hope. Please just give me some hope.” I know I’ve mentioned how sweet and amazing my doctor is. But he really is. He was sad with me, and wanted to help so badly as I sobbed on the phone. Unfortunately he was in between surgeries and couldn’t pull up all of the results. He just didn’t want me waiting so he had called as soon as he knew anything. He sent a message to our nurse and asked her to give us all of the information they had, and then asked that we come see him on Tuesday to discuss our options. I called Reid, sobbing. He then called our nurse, who told him that both embryos have actual chromosome issues and neither would be viable. Embryos should have 46 chromosomes… ours have 47 and 45.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I feel defeated. For the first time throughout this process, I honestly feel like we may never have kids with our DNA. And that breaks my heart. IVF has always been our “back-up plan”. And I knew that there were always chances of it not working. But I didn’t think that would be us. We just spent $18,621. And we’ve got nothing to show for it. I think a small part of that we’ll get back since we didn’t have the transfer. But that’s almost salt in the wound. Here’s some money back since your IVF round failed.

I’m sure you have plenty of questions, as do we. I’ll tell you my thoughts on some of the questions that I’ve had, but until we meet with the doctor on Tuesday, I can’t say for sure what will happen.

Will we do another round of IVF? Can we? Should we?

I don’t know. First, financially, that’s impossible at the moment. Emotionally, ugh. I had so much hope going into this round because it was new and I just believed that it would work. Going back through it again, to potentially have the same heartbreak, feels like it will be so tough. Logically, I don’t know if it makes sense to do another. We have now had chromosome issues with every embryo – 2 pregnancies, and 2 from IVF (except for the ectopic pregnancy, we don’t know whether that one had issues).

So do we only create bad embryos? Surely, there’s an underlying problem that can be fixed?

Again, I don’t know. I would think there might be another problem they haven’t found. But after our 3^rd loss, we did a miscarriage panel. And the only thing that came back was an MTHFR mutation which is common and I take meds for it now. I’m not sure whether my doctor will do more testing, but we’ll ask. From what I’ve read and learned from others in situations similar to ours, it is common to have to do more than one round. And with my ovarian reserve being so low, it’s not surprising. But see above.

What about adoption? Or embryo adoption? Or using an egg donor?

Of course those thoughts have crossed our minds. But we would like to exhaust all options of trying for a baby with our DNA first. And I’m not sure that we have. Also, adoption is $30,000-50,000. Also, with Reid being on the transplant list I don’t think it’s even possible right now. So, no. Please don’t even ask about that right now. We may get there one day. And honestly, if he wasn’t on the transplant list, I would have convinced him that fostering (or fostering to adopt) was right for us. But we just can’t right now.

We've gotten pregnant 3 times on our own - should we just try naturally again?

Well, that honestly scares the shit out of me. Knowing we have had so many chromosome issues, I think a positive pregnancy test with a non-tested embryo would send us both into a tailspin. 

So what next?

We have no idea. Next, we meet with our fertility doctor on Tuesday. We are also waiting on some biopsy results from Reid’s procedure, so that may change our plan as well.

I know this is “God’s plan”, somewhere deep down I know that. I am having a hard time with that at the moment. I feel like we’ve learned the lesson, I feel like we’ve fought the tough fights. I would appreciate this test not lasting much longer, because I’m at that point where I’m about ready to give up. I know I should be looking forward to miracles to come, but with each setback it seems they are further and further away.

We appreciate the support, we appreciate the prayers, we appreciate the messages and encouragement. I hope and pray that this isn’t the end of our fertility journey, and that we get good results for Reid next week. I hate sharing bad news with you all. I absolutely hate it, and I don’t want to do it anymore.